This week in Reefer Madness: Marijuana can lead to stoned rabbits, crack babies

By Oscar Pascual |

As much progress as marijuana legalization has seen in recent times, there’s always a few drug warriors waiting in the wings, ready to spoil a good time in the name of their own special interests.

While that job seems to have gone to TV host Nancy Grace as of late, she can take a break this week, because both the DEA and Fox News are doing the heavy lifting when it comes to pot scare tactics.

The red state of Utah recently introduced medical marijuana legislation, as lawmakers desperately seek respite for the eighth-highest prescription overdose rate in the nation.

“Personally, I think this is especially good as an alternative to opiates. We have seen that when this is available, overdoses go down,” said Sen. Mark Madsen.

While Sen. Madsen wants to make legally available one of the most non-toxic analgesics in the pharmacopeia, special DEA agent Matt Fairbanks is more concerned with cute, innocent bunny rabbits.

A member of Utah’s “Marijuana eradication team,” Fairbanks believes that allowing patients safe access to medical marijuana will only mark the decline of Western rabbit civilization.

“I deal in facts. I deal in science,” said Fairbanks in a testimony to the Utah Senate Panel, just before uttering one of the most non-factual, non-scientific claims ever heard in public.

Faribanks then cited illegal grow areas where he would encounter “Rabbits that had cultivated a taste for the marijuana.” He continued: “One of them refused to leave us, and we took all the marijuana around him, but his natural instincts to run were somehow gone.”

Let’s not forget that raw marijuana has no psychoactive properties. Raw marijuana has no THC — it has THC-A, or tetrahydrocannabinolic acid, the biosynthetic precursor to THC. THC-A needs to undergo a process called decarboxylation in order to become THC (the most-common decarboxylation method is called “applying a flame”). While THC-A supposedly has health benefits according to adherents of cannabis juicing, getting stoned is impossible. Meaning Fairbanks must be smoking something himself to make such an absurd claim.

While the DEA would rather concern themselves with the welfare of fuzzy mammals, Fox News’ Dr. David Samadi wants us to think of the children.

On a Saturday edition of Fox and Friends, Samadi took some time to discredit a recent study proving that marijuana is safer than other recreational drugs such as tobacco and alcohol.

“It actually causes heart attacks,” said Samadi, based on no professionally-written report whatsoever. “It increases your heart rate. And on and on.”

Samadi then turned to Colorado’s supposed “crack baby” epidemic for his next argument.

“We’re seeing in Colorado that we had 13 kids that came to the emergency [room] and ended up in the ICU as a result of overdose from marijuana,” Samadi said. “Now we have crack babies coming in because pregnant women are smoking this whole marijuana business.”

Last we checked, one actually needs to ingest crack before producing a crack baby. Nevertheless, Samadi remains confident in his medical prowess.

“I challenge any doctors, come to my Facebook, convince me how this is healthy for you. I’m 100 percent against this,” said Samadi.

Hopefully Sanjay Gupta steps forward so we can witness a medical debate of Pacquiao/Mayweather proportions.