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A guide to Outside Lands, if the headliners were cannabis strains

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The Outside Lands music festival lands at Golden Gate Park in August, and there will be no shortage of cannabis consumed at the annual three-day bacchanalia of live music, food, and art.

But what if each of the biggest acts at Outside Lands were a dose, hit, or puff of cannabis? We took the personality quiz model and applied it to the headlining acts at Outside Lands to determine which buds, edibles, and concentrates might compliment your favorite Outside Lands musical act — and to determine which dose each personifies.

Abraham Caro Marin/AP

Abraham Caro Marin/AP

1. Elton John – Granddaddy Kush

The granddaddy of all pop stars playing Outside Lands, Elton John manifests in marijuana form as Granddaddy Kush, the combination of OG Kush and Granddaddy Purple, two of the cannabis industry’s greatest-ever mainstream hits.

Elton is shamelessly decked out in sparkly crystals, with an aromatic flair about him and a citrusy taste that is sweetly eccentric. With a high potency, he can perform all night long and he keeps the hits coming. And like the Kush, Elton has some hairs — but not a lot.

Zoran Orlic

Zoran Orlic

2. Wilco – Purple Nepal Hash

The super airy and stony sounds of Wilco are the smooth smoke of Purple Nepal hash. A somnolent nighttime high that helps put the cat to sleep, Wilco even sounds like a cat with its meowy steel guitar riffs. The band’s impossibly perfect pop grooves are a fresh, clean, heady high that makes familiar pleasures feel like you’re doing them for the first time.

Robb D. Cohen/Invision/AP

Robb D. Cohen/Invision/AP

3. Mumford and Sons – 100 mg Cannabis Brownie

The zippy sugar high of a fine pot brownie nicely emulates the sound of Mumford and Sons. Like Mumford and Sons, a cannabis brownie is social and accessible to everybody. The creeping onset produces beautiful and ethereal moments, and the sugar kicks in for those segments when the music goes into full Irish jig mode. Mumford and Sons is soft, sweet, occasionally nutty, and reminds you of home, hearth, and days gone by.

Robb D. Cohen/Invision/AP

Robb D. Cohen/Invision/AP

4. D’Angelo – Sexxpot

His shirtless days dominating MTV airplay behind him, D’Angelo nonetheless remains pure sex. Until somebody puts out a “Brown Sugar” strain, he is the aphrodisiac strain Sexxpot. He gets you in the mood and gives up the funk with a soulful, updated Prince-meets-George Clinton sound, makes you contemplate taking your shirt off, and often inspires heavy grinding. (NOTE: Please do not go beyond first base with your public displays of affection at Outside Lands).

Paul A. Herbert/Invision/AP

Paul A. Herbert/Invision/AP

5. Ben Harper – OG Headband Honey Oil

The genre-mixing Ben Harper is a OG Headband Honey Hash Oil that itself is a mix of OG Kush and Sour Diesel. He mixes a sweet, vapable concoction of gospel, reggae, and bluesy guitar noodlings to relax you and reduce your stress, His key ingredients are all the good stuff, the nuggets and flowers instead of the shake and trim.

Jeff Lombardo/Invision/AP

Jeff Lombardo/Invision/AP

6. Black Keys – Timewreck

The rough and raw sounds of the Black Keys evoke the super-potent THC content of the powerful bud strain called Timewreck. Their superfuzzy feedback gives you a disorienting euphoria, while their vocal harmonies make various parts of your brain soar. The Black Keys make noise sound wonderful and they are definitely too intense for party amateurs.

Weeklydig/Flickr

Weeklydig/Flickr

7. Amon Tobin – ISAM 2.0 Permafrost Wax

Amon Tobin’s mind-blasting “EDM without beats” orchestrations will be presented at Outside Lands as ISAM 2.0, a 3D sculpture projection project that immerses your eyes and ears. These sensory highs are not unlike wax dabs of Permafrost, creating a full-body high and a sense of total relaxation despite that you’re so high you think you’ve gone into another dimension.  

Photo by Jeff Lombardo/Invision/AP

Photo by Jeff Lombardo/Invision/AP

8. Kendrick Lamar – Chemdawg Kief

The kief is strong with Kendrick Lamar, whose highly synthesized, magnificently engineered flow is the kief of OG Kush and Sour Diesel. This carefully mixed musical wizardy has powerhouse kief potency with cerebral whirrs and whooshes embellishing a sensual beat. He busts extremely funny lyrics that will keep you in a state of giggles. Kendrick burns slow, and creates enormous puffy clouds of smoke.

Robert Altman/Invision/AP

Robert Altman/Invision/AP

9. Tame Impala – Purple Urkle Shatter

Tame Impala is a lot like Sgt. Pepper on his third hit of acid, and the face-melting Purple Urkle Shatter is the ideal psychedelic high that represents them. Its sweet, grape-like taste is perfectly poppy, with heady trip chords and the meandering ability to make you forget what you’re doing. Like the shatter, Tame Impala is anything but tame.

Katy Winn/Invision/AP

Katy Winn/Invision/AP

10. Slightly Stoopid – 5 mg Individual Edible Gummies

If you only want to get slightly stupid, 5 milligram individual gummie treats are the way to go. Like the reggae-inspired Slightly Stoopid tracks, they’re fun little hits that you can take all day. Gummie treats and Slightly Stoopid are like elevator Muzak, but delivered with surprisingly great taste.

Outside Lands is Friday, Aug. 7 – Sunday, Aug. 9 in Golden Gate Park at the Polo Fields, Hellman Hollow, and Marx and Lindley Meadows. Tickets for all three days are sold out.